Thoughts are just thoughts, not always facts!
We are meaning-making beings. And with our nice big brains, our thoughts are in constant interaction with our feelings and our behaviors and what is happening in the world around us. They can be helpful and accurate or not.
For example, if someone doesn’t text me back or spills a glass of water in my office, my brain needs to make sense of this. It might come up with a story that the person doesn’t like me anymore and spin into thoughts of being worthless, or in the case of the water, was clumsy and disrespectful of my space! It might also come up with a story that the person was busy, or in a hurry and result in thoughts of compassion or concern for the person. It could be any variation, and it all is just a story! It’s thoughts trying to make sense of the internal and external world.
But THOUGHTS alone ARE NOT FACTS!!! It’s just our brain's job to constantly create stories to make sense of what's happening. Our job is to notice whether we are getting hooked by particular thoughts and if they are moving us forward or keeping us stuck and looping in shame, anxiety or self-doubt. If we get hooked by our thoughts or trapped in them and if they are not moving us forward in a positive direction, there are some things we can do to “unhook.”
Slow down and take a pause!
When we are activated by stress and anxiety, our brains do not think very clearly. Literally, when in stress, anxiety, or activated in high emotion, the amygdala (the emotion part of the brain) hijacks control of our response. When the amygdala is activated, it disables the frontal lobe (the thinking/decision-making part of the brain) and activates the fight-flight response. Without the frontal lobe, we can not think clearly or make rational decisions. By slowing down our body through breath, movement, creative outlets, and connection, we can activate a more flexible brain.
The Self as Observer
We can think about our thinking as observers and restructure how we think to help guide how we feel and behave. The Self as Observer is a concept that arises out of Acceptance and Commitment therapy and is a very useful tool.
We are more than our thoughts! We are a vessel that has many thoughts and emotions coming and going. Can we create some distance with them and see them? Do they have a color? Are they big? What context are the thoughts and feelings in? Can we watch them float past us on a stream, or in a cloud. These are all ways to begin to play around with the idea of “observing our thoughts and emotions”
When we notice a thought that is keeping us stuck can we reframe it in a more flexible way.
For example, If I am caught in a loop of "this will never get better, I have failed and it's all over" how is this thought working for me?
Is there an alternate way to build this thought that is more flexible and considers various points of view? "I'm having the thought that this will never get better, it feels overwhelming in this moment and that I have failed, and I have also done hard things, moved through difficulty before, can ask for help, etc"
Notice behaviors that indicate there may be an unmet need or feeling
We can know the kinds of behaviors that are our red flags to thinking or emotions that are going off the rails (for example, if I am yelling or zoned out on Instagram, something is usually bothering me…there is anxiety, worry, thoughts that are not helpful, etc). Learn what your reactive “red flag” behaviors are and notice when you are engaged in them with a compassionate observer mind.
Define your Values so that you know where to move forward
I will write more on Values in another blog because it’s an incredibly useful concept but for now, when we have a sense of our Values in the very basic sense, these Values can help us figure out how to move forward in times of stress or difficult feelings. Values in this way are the things that give our life meaning and that can help us organize our lives around what is important to us and what gives us meaning. I like to think of it like a compass. If I am struggling or looping in a negative story, my Values will help me move forward toward behaviors and interactions that are consistent with the life that I want to live.
We can focus and engage in value-driven activities, connecting, giving a hug, being in empathy, exercising or self-care to rebalance ourselves. Once we notice engaging reactively to our thoughts (anxiety, anger, numbing, etc), use breathing, movement, journaling or other chosen activities to come out of our thinking brain and into the moment and choose a value-driven activity that moves you forward rather than stuck.
