Three Shifts That Can Transform How You Communicate in Your Relationship

I work with many men and women who come to me for help on communicating with their partners.  Whether they are self referred, referred from couples counselors to do their own work, or encouraged by their partner,  they come with a similar request “We need help communicating” or “I need help understanding why I’m so triggered all the time!”  

Sometimes that means listening better, sometimes it means being less reactive, and sometimes it means learning how to bring up hard topics without things spiraling.  All of these skills on an individual level involve better understanding yourself, your history, your shame, your pressure points and how you have learned over the years to protect yourself and manage those things.  

It’s a lot of work, however, over the years, I’ve noticed a few patterns that really stand out when it comes to communication struggles. If you and your partner find yourselves stuck in the same arguments, these three shifts may help you step out of the cycle and into more connection.

1. Step Out of the Weeds

Most arguments start with the small stuff:
- “He’s always on his phone.”
- “She never helps around the house.”
- “Everything I do is wrong.”

It’s easy to get lost in the weeds of who did what and when. But underneath those surface complaints is usually something much bigger.

Psychotherapist Esther Perel asks couples: “What are you really fighting for?”

Often, the deeper themes are things like:
- Connection – wanting to feel close, seen, or understood
- Respect – wanting to be valued as an equal partner
- Autonomy/Power – wanting a say in decisions or how life is going

When you find yourself arguing about dishes or socks on the floor, pause and ask: “What’s the bigger theme here? What am I actually fighting for?”

2. Notice Your Shield

When we feel hurt or misunderstood, we all have ways of protecting ourselves. Researcher Brené Brown describes these as “shame shields.” I think of them as the armor or weapons we bring into battle.

According to her research there are three common shields:
- Moving against – getting louder, blaming, arguing, criticizing.
- Moving away – shutting down, going silent, walking out, emotionally disappearing.
- Moving toward (appeasing) – smoothing things over, giving in quickly, saying “it’s fine” even when it isn’t.

None of these are “bad” — they’re protective strategies we learned somewhere along the way. The problem is, they rarely get us what we really want: closeness, understanding, or respect.

Noticing your shield (and your partner’s) can be powerful. If you realize you’re raising your voice, you can pause and name what’s really happening. If you notice your partner going quiet, instead of assuming they don’t care, you might remember, “This is their way of protecting against hurt.” That awareness alone can lower the intensity.

3. Practice Empathy + Repair

Empathy is one of the most important skills for healthy communication — and one of the hardest. Real empathy means listening without judgment so your partner feels seen, even if you don’t fully agree.

When it’s your turn to speak, a few simple steps can help:
1. Affirm the relationship.
  - “You’re really important to me, and I care about this relationship.”

2. Stick with the specific situation.
  - Not: “You always ignore me.”
  - Instead: “Last night, when you stayed on your phone during dinner, I felt hurt.”

3. Name the bigger theme.
  - “It left me feeling disconnected, like I’m in this alone.”

4. Make a clear request.
  - “What I’d love is for us to put phones away during dinner.”

5. Own your part.
  - “I also know I came at you with a harsh tone, and I want to work on that.”

This combination of empathy, clarity, and ownership is how conflicts turn into opportunities for growth instead of repeated battles.

Final Thought

Every couple argues — the difference between couples who thrive and those who get stuck isn’t whether they fight, but how they fight.

When you step out of the weeds, recognize your shields, and practice empathy with repair, you give your relationship a chance to grow stronger through conflict rather than break down because of it.